Glacial
by Faraway Dawn
Summary: Following the Winter War, Hitsugaya is left with his thoughts regarding his closest friend. Oneshot for now, might go further


**Glacial**

by: Faraway Dawn

Disclaimer: If I owned any of this, don't you think I'd have made stuff happen already? Exactly...as I own nothing I am borrowing poor Hitsugaya for the sake of my amusement!

AN: Oneshot, might go further if I feel up to it, but I was just kinda rambling in word when I wrote this.

* * *

Every falling snowflake is unique, special and perfect in every way. I don't remember the first person to tell me that, but I always loved the way snow fell, even if it was a rare sight. It always made me more attuned to my reiatsu and more attuned to the world around me. The snow made me think of myself and those who like me, were skilled in their own ways, mirrors of their own seasons.

In terms of the captains, Kuchki was the cool but still warm spring. His cool exterior carefully masking his kindness and honesty. Kyoraku would be the energy and warmth of summer. He's always kind, very clever, and he's always been able to sit back and enjoy the world around him. Kenpachi was the harsh and ever shocking autumn. His strength much like the biting winds of autumn, and like the changing leaves, he always seems to change, always seems to be stronger. I suppose, I would have to be the frigid winter. I'm the cold, bitter, and tortured winds ripping across a frozen wasteland.

To say I hated someone, would be admitting my truest weaknesses, and my greatest flaws. To say that with all my being, I wanted someone gone, was a trait I would never wish to admit to. To say that when Aizen-taichou was found dead, I was upset, saddened even, would be at the heart of the greatest of lies.

I was upset, hurt so grievously that my body ached in the moments that I stopped Izuru and Hinamori from striking each other down. I wanted to scream, my pride I suppose, kept me from doing so. I was not hurt by the death of a comrade, a friend.

I was hurt because she only saw him. She'd cry for him, always for him, and from what I had seen, she'd even kill for him. I couldn't suppress memories of her going on and on about him- How she was joining squad five, even before she had become a full fledged shinigami. I remembered her going on about how impressive captains were, and how much she admired 'Aizen-taichou,' despite my best efforts to admire him as a captain, as a man, I couldn't help but detest him.

Watching the snow soothes me, and despite my anger and resentment, it always does its job of calming me enough to think rationally. However, I wish more than anything, that I could see the snow wipe away certain memories from the world. I am glad that Aizen is dead. I hated seeing Hinamori cry, I hated seeing her lose her rationality, her normal calm and joy, over him.

Then again...how often did I lose myself because of her? Had I not threatened Ichimaru? Did I not tell him, that if he spilled even a drop of her blood, I would kill him? Why was it, that she never saw _why_ I became a captain?

All that talk when we were kids...of how impressive the captains were.

All that talk about how she admired the captains.

All that talk about how much she wanted to be near Aizen.

How could she not see why, after I became a shinigami, I rose to the position of captain of the Tenth Squad? The squad charged with the duty of protection, one of the most dangerous jobs among the Gotei Thirteen. Did she ever see the times I came back injured, barely alive? Probably not, she was probably too busy adoring her beloved Aizen-taichou.

I know, that never once did she see me or respect me in the same way she did him. I could never turn my anger toward her, but I felt it consuming me.

Every step I took was for her. After I realized my reiatsu was out of control, I became a shinigami to control it. I joined the Tenth Protection Squad and became its captain. I became a captain, to protect her.

I was a very jealous child in my youth. All the times I told her I didn't want her to come home, I was begging her silently to come back to me. Every time she spoke of Aizen, I ignored the name, and replaced it with my own. I wanted to be the one she praised, not the one she protected.

Even now, I know she sees me as a boy still, rather than a man. She sees 'Shiro-chan' not Hitsugaya-taichou, a man of the same standing as her precious Aizen.

When Aizen tried to turn her against me, my blood boiled. Rage I had never truly known, consumed me to such a point that I felt determined to eliminate him. Aizen's final testament, claimed that I was trying to destroy the Soul Society. His final testament claimed that I had slain him, turning Hinamori against me. If only I had seen why then. I took out my anger on Ichimaru and Kira. I wanted to rip Aizen apart though, for his deception of her.

I crack open the window of my office and let my hand catch a few falling snowflakes.

Central 46 was when I realized everything. I realized that Ichimaru was not the mastermind, but I was not prepared at all for who was. If I had been, and if I hadn't been so caught up in the conspiracy to kill Rukia, if I hadn't been so recklessly chasing someone I thought was the killer, I might have been able to notice Hinamori following me. I might have been able to save her from Aizen.

I never felt as weak as I felt right then, seeing her lying on the floor, knowing what Aizen did to her. How could he?

"_She admired you!"_ How hollow my words felt in that room. Nothing reached him. When he said her admiration was the furthest thing from understanding, I was so enraged I attacked without hesitation.

It almost cost me my life.

My life for her, and the person she idolized. My life for her to be happy. Aizen would have never done such a thing for her. But me? I laid there bleeding for her- dying for her, all for her memory of a captain that was never real, because I wanted her to see that I wasn't just a little boy. I wanted her to see that I was far more a man, than Aizen would ever be.

Hyorinmaru knew my pain, I knew it. Even after I recovered, my zanpakuto has felt and responded to me in very different ways. Hyorinmaru knew what I wanted. It knew I felt weak, I felt angry.

"What point is there," I find myself asking again, "of being captain of a squad assigned the duty of protection, if I can't even protect the person dearest to me?" Just like every other day, neither Hyorinmaru or the howling wind and snow have an answer for me.

"_Will you talk to her? She's waiting for someone who needs her, to talk to her."_

"_As I am now, I wouldn't know what to say to her." My voice trails off. I want to apologize for not seeing it all. I want to beg her to forgive me for not protecting her. I want to yell at her for not seeing me as the one she could trust. I want to ask her why she had to be so loyal to Aizen. Why couldn't she look at me and see me? _

"_As you are...now?" _

Unohana-taichou, she knew my pain as well. I think, she could see my guilt, just as surely as Hyorinmaru felt my anguish. No matter how hard I tried to mask it, those who knew me well enough could see it. Ukitake, Kyoraku, Matsumoto...

_Your life for hers, your soul for hers, your blood for hers...always a sacrifice isn't it?_ My eyes dart to Hyorinmaru. It's been a while since the spirit of my zanpakuto called to me.

I return my gaze to the falling snow outside. _That's what it means to protect someone. Why doesn't she see, even after all this time, that I do it for her?_

Hyorinmaru is silent, I sense the zanpakuto, my companion and protector, with the ease that one can sense the wind against their skin. The chill in the room, would have driven most away, but to me it was an eerie comfort.

_What more do I have to do for her, Hyorinmaru? _How much more of my blood must spill, how many more times must I risk my soul for her? _My Hinamori..._

I wish the snow could erase her pain. I wish I could take her to the top of a high hill outside of Seireitei and beyond. We could sit there, watch the sun set upon shimmering snow, and see the moon bathe it in crystalline blue. I wanted that sight to erase the suffering that this life has caused her.

_I want it to blow away the betrayal you felt, I want the snow to erase the suffering your sincere trust and loyalty caused you, when Aizen tried to kill you. I want the snow to take away the moment when Aizen's zanpakuto affected me, and I...I almost killed you. _

I know my expression darkened as I contemplated that day, I was lucky enough to be alive after that encounter with Aizen. Unohana informed me that I had severed limbs...I was fortunate that they were able to save me. Hinamori however, despite her past recoveries, might never wake. This time...I really failed her.

The snow that had already blown in, formed a light layer around my arms, leaving a dusting of glittering snow on my haori, and even a little bit in my hair. I allow it to embrace me in my troubled, deeply pained state. The chill holding me, draws me closer to my true self.

_I love her..._

The snow continues to fall through the open window, dusting me lightly as the moon rises, breaking through the blankets of clouds.

_I really do love her._

They are my final thoughts as the cold and darkness pull me away from reality, my body makes hard contact with the floor, but I'm far too exhausted to do anything about it. Even with Unohana's treatment, my injuries have not fully healed.

It seems like this time, I'll be the one waiting for someone who needs me, to talk to me.


End file.
